There at few things I love more than a good year-end round-up. Let’s be frank: It’s way easier to name a girl something bold and unique than it is to come up with a winning handle for a son. We are all of us obligated to name our child Matthew David Lastname, or face the ire of the grandparents. Based on skilled research,* here are the top hipster baby names of the year. Which is to say, here’s what I think you should have named your son this year.
1. Hercules. Cuz of that obscure historic figure featured in Hamilton, which we liked before it moved from The Public to the Richard Rogers.
2. Hamilton. Kinda serious on this one. Kinda want to have another son right now so I can name him Hamilton.
3. John. Who could be so bold in this age of Aidens and Braydons and Hadens and Paytons and Masons and Hudsons and Hansons and Mansons to just go ahead and name their kid John? You, that’s who.
4. Mansion. Sounds hot. Sounds monied. Sounds like what all your friends are naming their kids, but better.
5. Pericles. Oregon Shakespeare Festival’s production at the Folger Shakespeare Library was well-reviewed, as will be this name for your bouncing baby boy. Call him Perry, or Rick, or Rick Perry.
6. Bucharest. Just sounds nice. And it’s a conversation starter about your after-college humanitarian work.
7. Alabaster. It’s the name that’s been at the tip of your brain, but that you weren’t able to come up with until this year.
8. Forklift. Pay homage to your working-class roots with this creative-class name.
9. Melodica. Because Banjo is pretty 2014.
10. Viscount. Do you pronounce the s? No one will know but you and your son. This will be your special bond.
11. Manchester. Call him Manny or Chester while showing support for your favorite football team, be it City or United.
12. Zephyr. Z-names are hot right now.
13. Zzyzx. Z-names are hot right now.
14. Luigi. After Pirandello and/or Mario’s co-plumber.
15. Matchbox. Just say it out loud a couple times. Nice, right?
16. Folly. Remind your child of your feelings towards his conception with this jaunty title. Remember: “Folly” rhymes with “jolly.”
* methodology includes making shit up