baby names

Top Hipster Baby Names of 2016 Probably

The third annual list not based on any official data. It’s just what I think you should have named your baby this year.

It’s still a little early for the Social Security Administration to release its list of the top baby names of 2016, but you can read this instead.

11. Fisher

Hipsters and non-hipsters alike pay homage to Carrie Fisher’s legacy while acknowledging that “Carrie” is a real so-so name for a kid. Unless it’s a boy-kid. Then go nuts with that “Carrie” business. “Leia” is an excellent substitute if you don’t want your child to be known as “Fishy” or “Care-Bear” all through high school.

10. Lillet

It’s an aperitif I tried for the first time tonight. It’s pretty good. Like a fancy Muscatel. “Egg Nog” is an acceptable alternative, as is “Kirkland Signature.”img_3942

9. Vladimir

A bold choice that’s sure to pay off in coming years.

8. Dandelion

Beating “Kale” for the first time, enjoy this fresh take on classic hipster greens!

7. Rocket

Named for the kind of arugula, not for the engine. More kick-ass than “Dandelion” without being as on-the-nose as “Kale.” Just do me a favor and don’t name your kid “Chard,” okay? It’s a combination of “Chad” and “Shart,” neither of which are appropriate names for a human.

6. Old-Timey Typewriter

Pretty self-explanatory.

5. Zoloft

It’s been a rough year, but you’re still here.

4. Football

You want to love it, you really do. But can’t quite get the bat off your shoulder. You’d use an appropriate football metaphor instead of “get the bat off your shoulder,” but you don’t know any.

3. Pillow

Probably named after one of the Palin kids, but who can even remember the 2008 election cycle at this point? It’s a name that harkens back to a more innocent time, one way or the other.

2. Raytheon

Because “Monsanto” is played out. But you’re still kind of winking at it, you know?

1. Patriarchy

It goes great with any last name and ensures that your child can be the front-person for an indy band: Patriarchy Jones. Patriarchy Muñoz. Patriarchy Pence. Patriarchy Langsdorf. Say them aloud. Listen to their power. This is the name of a winner.

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Top 11 Hipster Baby Names of 2014 Probably

It’s still a little early for the Social Security Administration to release its list of the top baby names of 2014, but it’s never too early for Hipster Mother to release the list of the top hipster baby names of 2014. These aren’t based on any official data; these are just what I think you should have named your baby this year.

11. Kerrigold

You just can’t get enough of that unsalted butter. You might not stick with the Paleo thing, but this simple luxury will be with you for the next 18 years, at least. You call her Kerri or Goldie for short.

10. Milliner

You’re bringing classic hats back in a big way. If it’s a girl, you call her Millie. For boys, go with Mill.

9. Isis

You spend a lot of time talking about how actually she’s named after the Egyptian goddess of health, marriage, and motherhood; friend to artisans, sinners, and slaves. Or maybe you’re just trying to get an early start on your kid’s SEO. Either way, it’s a bold choice.

8. Monsanto

But you’re kinda winking at it, you know?

7. Marzipan

Like the character from Homestar Runner, and like the delicious almond paste that’s the star of any box of See’s candies.

6. Steven

With a “v” instead of a “ph,” it’s like your hand slipped on the keyboard while you were trying to name your son “Seven.” But it didn’t slip. You planned this, just like you planned the pregnancy.

5. Burgundy

Because you like a fine wine and early modern European history.

4. Schrödinger

A shortened form of “Schrödinger’s Fetus,” the original nickname for your child from the weeks when you felt like you might be pregnant but it was still too early to take a pregnancy test.

3. Asterisk

A name for a girl or a boy. Either way, they get to sign their name with a tiny star for life.

2. Harbinger

You call him “Bing” for short.

1. Helvetica

Right? This is a great name for a baby. Use it in good health.