Kangaroo Pouch 

In Which We Explore Darker Corners of the Mommy Brain
Sometimes I feel like Charlie isn’t real. In the first few days after we brought him home, I spent a fair amount of time smelling him, I think to make sure I wasn’t making him up. When he would sleep in my arms, I would put my nostrils up close to his and breathe in his breath as he exhaled. It was warm and healthy, with life of its own. Dreams, hallucinations, and ghosts don’t breathe. This might be a real baby, one that belongs to me. Mind you, I was recovering from a Caesarian and high as a fucking kite.  
I’ll catch a shadow of that feeling sometimes. It’s still mind-boggling to me that a bit over three years ago, my child didn’t exist even as a theoretical construct, and now he’s an entire human being. I feel cosmically separated from him in a way I don’t like, but that probably has benefits for him becoming an independent, emotionally healthy human. I want to put him in my kangaroo pouch and to know he’s safe, and to know him fully. He’s pretty active, so he wouldn’t tolerate a kangaroo pouch even if I had one. Besides which, I’d still be a kangaroo with a congenitally fractured spine, so he’d have to learn to hop alongside me anyway. 
I feel lonely for him in a way that isn’t necessarily fixed by spending time with him. I expect this won’t be so pronounced as he learns to communicate better, but it turns out that motherhood doesn’t solve the existential truth that no one can ever really know anyone, you know?



One comment

  1. I found, through experience, that the older your child gets & the more time you spend together (even if it’s just sitting next to each other while driving in the car) the deeper your knowledge of him becomes. You’ll be able to tell when he’s not telling the truth, when he’s worried, when he needs your full attention right now. Sometimes you’ll say the exact same sentence at the same time. Even though he’s not attached to your body, there’s this “thing” that can’t be explained. Maybe that’s what they’re talking about when they say “It’s Mother’s Intuition”. I’m not sure what it is but I wanted you to know that time will bring you & Charlie closer to each other even though he’s not physically connected to you. It’s a wonderful thing!

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