14 Fantasies for a Three-Day Weekend

If this were a different kind of website, I would write about the legacy and unfinished work of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. But since it’s jokes on a mommy blog, I’ll instead be writing about all of the things I would very much like to do before this long weekend ends.

  1. Write a to-do list. I started writing one on my phone, but Charlie really wants to take selfies with my phone, and
    I AM IN CHARGE OF THE PHONE NOW AND WE USE IT ONLY FOR SELFIES AND FOR DELETING APPS AND FOR ASKING SIRI WHERE DADA IS AND FOR THROWING AT YOUR FACE!

    I AM IN CHARGE OF THE PHONE NOW AND WE USE IT ONLY FOR SELFIES AND FOR DELETING APPS AND FOR ASKING SIRI WHERE DADA IS AND FOR THROWING AT YOUR FACE!

    he doesn’t want my help. May as well bust out the laptop and blog my fantasy to-do list.

  2. I'm not on the table; you are.

    I’m not on the table; you are.

    Keep Charlie off the table. The table is his favorite thing, and no way that I’ve so far thought to communicate “No, honey, stay off the table because you’ll hurt yourself” has yet been effective. Now that I’m writing this on my laptop instead of my phone, he’s crawling up to point to the logo on the back of my computer. “App-pool?” “Yes, that’s an apple, but you’re still not allowed on the table.”

  3. Get some work done. Like a ton of it. Like it needs its own to-do list and 36 uninterrupted hours from me and my robot assistant.
  4. Get said work done without Charlie accomplishing the Three-Day Weekend Head Injury Hat Trick. We got off to a bad start Saturday, while I was trying to participate in a Livestreamed conference and its accompanying Twitter chat while parenting. So Charlie jumped off the bed and landed head-first on the hardwood floor. I was within arm’s reach and watched him do it, but I wasn’t fast enough to catch him because: a) I was composing a Tweet, and b) I think that my reflexes were slowed by the medication I’m on for shingles. Then yesterday, he battled with his Spiderman folding chair and lost, and landed on the same spot on his head. Yes, this also happened while I was composing a tweet. Charlie may have reached an age where I can’t safely type 140 characters. I’m holding him while I type this, so hopefully we’re cool here.
  5. Hmm? Oh, yeah. I’ve got the damned shingles, like an 87-year-old woman. They arrived at over Christmas and aren’t done being here yet. I feel WAY better than I did, but still not “awesome” or “capable of parenting or working in a meaningful way.” I took a full week to convalesce/stop being contagious with an active chicken pox virus, but this affair takes 2-4 weeks to run its course. I’m ALMOST done. So I guess this to-do item is to really rest up and relax so I can stop having shingles. This should be no problem.
  6. Nap!
  7. Fold laundry!
  8. Clean all the things!
  9. Trim Charlie’s toenails!
  10. Prepare a nutritious dinner!
  11. Finish reading the pile of magazines!
  12. Go to the market, somehow, without access to a car!
  13. Take Charlie for a walk! Maybe to the market, except that it’s not reasonably walking distance!
  14. Other things, probably! But Charlie wants to play cars right now, so I’m gonna go do that instead of any of the above.
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