Top 11 Hipster Baby Names of 2014 Probably

It’s still a little early for the Social Security Administration to release its list of the top baby names of 2014, but it’s never too early for Hipster Mother to release the list of the top hipster baby names of 2014. These aren’t based on any official data; these are just what I think you should have named your baby this year.

11. Kerrigold

You just can’t get enough of that unsalted butter. You might not stick with the Paleo thing, but this simple luxury will be with you for the next 18 years, at least. You call her Kerri or Goldie for short.

10. Milliner

You’re bringing classic hats back in a big way. If it’s a girl, you call her Millie. For boys, go with Mill.

9. Isis

You spend a lot of time talking about how actually she’s named after the Egyptian goddess of health, marriage, and motherhood; friend to artisans, sinners, and slaves. Or maybe you’re just trying to get an early start on your kid’s SEO. Either way, it’s a bold choice.

8. Monsanto

But you’re kinda winking at it, you know?

7. Marzipan

Like the character from Homestar Runner, and like the delicious almond paste that’s the star of any box of See’s candies.

6. Steven

With a “v” instead of a “ph,” it’s like your hand slipped on the keyboard while you were trying to name your son “Seven.” But it didn’t slip. You planned this, just like you planned the pregnancy.

5. Burgundy

Because you like a fine wine and early modern European history.

4. Schrödinger

A shortened form of “Schrödinger’s Fetus,” the original nickname for your child from the weeks when you felt like you might be pregnant but it was still too early to take a pregnancy test.

3. Asterisk

A name for a girl or a boy. Either way, they get to sign their name with a tiny star for life.

2. Harbinger

You call him “Bing” for short.

1. Helvetica

Right? This is a great name for a baby. Use it in good health.

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