5 Baby Milestones & the 10 Ways In Which I’m Not Prepared to Deal With Them

Charlie is four (and change) months old. It seems every day he’s hitting some new and noteworthy milestone. I, meanwhile, haven’t yet come to terms with the fact that I even have a baby, let alone the fact that he’s growing up. Allow me to enumerate the ways in which I’m still on maternity leave with a two-day-old newborn, in my mind:

  1. I haven’t taken the cellophane off of the baby book my sister got me (that I theoretically love and specifically asked for, so that I could record every precious booger).
  2. I still haven’t sent out the birth announcements.
  3. I still haven’t finished sending thank-you notes.
  4. I still have almost 300 unread emails from when I was on maternity leave. (Coworkers: Sorry if you’ve been waiting patiently for my response to that email you sent me in August. Maybe send me a fresh note.)
  5. I’m still on the All-Chocolate-and-Cheese-Filled Pastry Diet.
  6. I’m still wearing my maternity jeans (and will never go back. Best pants ever.)
  7. I’m still acutely aware of my C-section incision. I’m like 92% recovered, but I’ve been holding at 92% for about 8 weeks.
  8. I still haven’t resumed the physical therapy that my OB cleared me for 11 weeks ago.
  9. I still haven’t gotten my Sassy Mom Haircut. I need to, because the hair I have is falling out in actual, literal clumps, and this is not aided by the fact that Charlie’s learning to grab and pull objects such as Mom’s Unsassy Hair.
  10. I’ve still not gotten the new prescription in my glasses that I’ve needed since right about the time I got knocked up. Fun fact: Pregnancy makes your eyesight terrible, so it’s recommended that you don’t go out and get new glasses until after you’ve delivered, as they will be of no use to you once you become a resident of Baby Town, USA. Anyway, don’t wave to me; I can’t see you right now.

Charlie, meanwhile, pays no heed. Allow me to enumerate the ways in which he pays no heed:

  1. Drinking from a cup. Like an adult. An uncoordinated, tiny, fussy adult.

    Drinking from a cup. Like an adult. An uncoordinated, tiny, fussy adult.

    He rolled over for the first time a couple weeks ago.
  2. He sat through his first play last Saturday.
  3. He cut his first tooth on Wednesday.
  4. He sat up unaided for the first time on Thursday.
  5. He drank water from a grown-up(ish) cup for the first time night before last. Most of it ended up back on his pajamas, but A CUP! A goddamn cup. Like a tiny human. I can’t even.

The natural way this resolves is that I go on about my business until Charlie is able to assemble his own baby scrapbook and give me a Sassy Mom Haircut. He’s already working on responding to my unread emails, usually along the lines of “aaddk;;;;;p” and send. He’s very industrious.


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