In Which I Did Not Accidentally Murder My Baby This Time

If you saw my real-time freak out from night before last, you’ll know that I’ve accidentally been taking aspirin and the equivalent of an extra cup of coffee LIKE EVERY DAY since I found out I was pregnant. I emailed the doctor, and first thing yesterday morning also called the nurse advice line to see how freaked out I should be. They called me back yesterday to say that if the aspirin was going to murder my baby, he’d be murdered already. And that I should for sure stop taking it so I don’t accidentally murder him later.

There is a fetal heart valve that needs to close, or open, or something in the last trimester, and taking aspirin can fuck this up. I had been under the impression that there was a 100% chance that by taking any aspirin in the third trimester you for sure fuck this up and then your baby either dies or has heart problems forever and then you have to live with the guilt and your marriage is ruined because your spouse resents you for accidentally murdering the baby, but apparently it’s just a thing that COULD happen. The nurse said if I’m still worried about it by the 36 week ultrasound we can have a look at heart valves, but that for now I should stop having a stress stroke and just switch to Tylenol.

So now I’m taking Tylenol. Tylenol, P.S., is a joke pill that does nothing. But it also won’t murder the baby, so it’s got that going for it.

And, since I feel it would be inappropriate to post twice in a row without a picture, here’s my pregnant lady selfy, taken for the benefit of this morning’s update email to my California family to let them know how giant I am, and how the baby’s heartbeat was good at the last appointment, and how I almost accidentally murdered him but it turned out fine.

31ish Weeks: The point at which you become big enough that hobos stop you and ask if you've got any names picked out.

31ish Weeks: The point at which you become big enough that hobos stop you and ask if you’ve got any names picked out.



  1. So glad both you and the baby are fine. I promise you are not the first person to have taken medication you shoukdnt have while pregnant.
    If your family won’t send you pictures for your beautiful tree for the nursery I would be happy to send you pictures of my family or my pets. We really are nice and fairly interesting people. I think the baby would enjoy it, and he probably doesn’t know anyone from South Carolina so it would be educational and entertaining.
    I am sure your life is busy and crazy preparing for the arrival of the baby but my daughter and I are really missing the podcast.

    1. Thanks, Suzi! We fully intend to podcast again any second (though we’ve had the best of intentions for a while…) And I’m pretty sure the baby doesn’t know anyone (especially any cats or dogs) in South Carolina, so this is an intriguing idea.

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