15 Forbidden Activities

Baby killer

Baby killer

The Fetus Pal is at 18 weeks today, which puts me a whole month into my second trimester. Which means I’m now a total pro at second trimesters. As you may already know, the moment you become pregnant, there are about a billion things (probably all your favorites) that get added to your list of forbidden activities. For example:

  1. Drinking booze
  2. Smoking cigarettes (made of either tobacco or marijuana)
  3. Riding roller coasters
  4. Riding bicycles
  5. Anal sex
  6. Eating soft cheeses (or sushi or bacon or lunch meats or uncooked sprouts or big fish or whatever)
  7. Taking DayQuil as needed for your head cold
  8. Drinking caffeine
  9. Going to physical therapy (depending on what part of you needs therapizing)
  10. Pointing your toes. (Unlike the others, I don’t think this will murder your baby; it will just give you leg cramps.)

These are just the first 10 that came to mind. Rest assured, if you’re pregnant and thinking of engaging in any activity apart from sleeping on your left side with a pillow between your knees for hip support, you should probably reconsider. But this is all boiler plate pregnancy stuff. Once you hit the 2nd trimester, you also have to be mindful of activities that could cause you to have contractions and go into early labor. These new items include:

  1. Exposure to peppermint oil
  2. Nipple tweaking
  3. Rubbing that part on the inside of your foot between the ankle and the heel (you know, the part where I have that big knot that I always want to rub.)
  4. Drinking tea. (Black tea is okay as far as early contractions are concerned, but it has the pre-forbidden caffeine, so you get out of here with your Earl Grey.)
  5. Orgasms

So pretty much there goes my weekend.



  1. Go to Netflix and check out the Jayne Mansfield movie Promises, Promises. They smoke, they have mixed drinks to celebrate being pregnant, and there is lots of sex. It will help put into perspective all of the crazy pregnancy rules you hear about today. Somehow the human race endured even when moms would relax with a three martini lunch.

  2. I like my mother’s implication that she swilled rums and cokes with a jay hanging out of her mouth while riding her bike to the lavendar-scented, nipple-tweaking anal coaster.

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