And Other Concerns
As has been established, I have many concerns about possessing and rearing a baby. As it turns out, I’m also fairly apprehensive about how they’re going to get this child out of my person. The most probable option is a C-section, which my doctors feel will be the most reliable method of baby extraction for me. However, C-sections are gross. Are you kidding me about slicing a human open and taking another human out of them? That is sci-fi wacky. Also, I’m hugely freaked out about getting an epidural. They give you a shot in your spine. How is that not the worst thing that ever happens to you in your life, right up until they slice you open and take a human out of you? Also, my mother assures me that botched epidurals run in the family.
The other option is to do it the old-fashioned way. Most people I’ve talked to seem to be more freaked out about a human having another human come out of their vagina than about the idea of being sliced open, but this to me seems like the natural order of things. Also, you don’t strictly have to take the epidural in this scenario if you’re really, truly grossed out about getting a shot in your spine. However, I have a couple of health wildcards that have the potential to make traditional labor particularly injurious and unpleasant (not that recovering from a C-section will be a walk in the park. In fact I won’t likely be able to take a walk in the park for a while after.) Also, I have a huge Irish head, Conan O’Brien-style. I don’t normally take issue with it; I think it looks to be about the right size for sitting atop my person. There is also the issue of Andy’s huge, non-Irish head.
When we both worked at Disneyland in the days of our youth, I had to pick up a men’s XL hat from costuming for my skippering duties on the Jungle Cruise. Around this same time, Andy had to get special dispensation from management/ HR/ Mickey Mouse to purchase a hat off the Internet for his tour of duty on The Rivers of America, since costuming was not able to find a hat that fit on his head anywhere on property. His head looks about right on his frame as well, but the fact remains that we’re a family of people who require non-standard hat sizes. When Andy was in the midst of this long-lived hat-procurement drama, one of his coworkers remarked, “I pity the woman who bears your children.” These words, when combined with my knowledge of my own huge Irish head, have haunted me ever since.
Also, even though I’ve been losing weight since getting knocked up, the fetus pal was in the 99th percentile for size at the last ultrasound. So maybe just slice me open an take a baby out of me.
I fear it’s too late for us to just adopt.
If you have advice, I’ll hear it. Leave it in the comments, especially if it’s about painless laser baby removal.