Go Home, ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting;’ You’re Drunk

Now that I’m expecting, here are some things I can expect, according to What to Expect When You’re Expecting:

  • Fatigue. Like super fatigue.
  • Getting a lot of sleep, or not enough because your damned hips hurt so much that you can’t get comfortable and it’s not worth continuing in this bedtime charade
  • Increase or loss of appetite
  • Fluctuating emotions, including feeling blue or anxious regularly. Or, you know, maybe happy. But probably not.
  • Reduced ability to concentrate, a.k.a. “baby brain”
  • Aches and pains
  • And lots of other crap.

So they spend a bunch of chapters on that gear. Then, when they’re talking about the end of the first trimester, they get all:

“Are you tired? Experiencing sleep disturbances (either too much or too little)? Do you have an increase or loss of appetite? Are you having mood swings? Are you feeling down or anxious? Has your ability to concentrate been reduced? Are you experiencing aches and pains? What about other crap? If so, you should get your pregnant ass to your doctor immediately so that they can do something about your clearly crippling depression before you kill yourself and your unborn child. Yeah, we spend a lot of time talking about how you can’t really take medication while you’re pregnant, but we’ll make an exception for you, because Jesus Christ.”

Come on, What to Expect When You’re Expecting, get your head in the game.

Image

The lady on the cover of my new edition of this book lacks the style of Classic Frock Lady.

 

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